In my verrrrry first post I shared some fairly deep rooted issue as my inspiration for this blog in the first place. Here's a sample: "Five Head." "Ape legs." "BIG, no HUGE Nose.... All throughout high school I compared myself to my much more beautiful gal-friends who always had boyfriends or at the very least interests. The lack of desired attention I was receiving in that department set those self-esteem bars even lower. By the age of 17 I hated myself and everything about my looks."
Now come the college years. I cannot believe that years between high school graduation and now went by so incredibly fast. Nor can I believe just how much I've changed.
At 18 I couldn't tell if UMSL would be too terribly different from high school or my insecurities would continue to enslave me. Enslave. It is certainly an intense word, but that's how I felt. Trapped under the feeling that I would never be enough... And even though I have changed, it truly surprises me just how easily that feeling can creep back into my life.
My perspective has changed - thank god. I was never too much of a party girl; I went to parties, but not every weekend. I would say the peak of my self-absorbency came during the summer of 2013. I can say that although I made some choices that I'm not particularly proud of, I developed from each of them. Lots of those choices came from a place of thinking that the male attention I received would make me feel wanted and desired. I think it's fairly obvious that that's not the answer I needed, just the answer that was easiest. The harder answer is...well...just harder.
It's harder to accept that my life may not fit within the molds that society has constructed. It's harder to realize that I may not be alone, but there are times I'm really lonely. It's harder to be approached by attractive men who want to be with me (even if only for a little while and for a little fun) and say a determined no. It's harder to scroll through my Facebook and see couples popping up everywhere (man, I sure am at that age...) and truly being okay. It's wonderful to have such supportive friends and family, but that doesn't mean I don't have my moments where a glass of wine is exactly what the doctor ordered.
I wish I could say it's easy as the Jackson 5 makes it sound, but I'm no liar. I'm just looking forward to something different. But I'm also not placing my worth in what someone else thinks about me. Allowing God to lead in my life is so much more promising than steering my own ship. So, yeah, I'm living a bit differently, but I'm no longer chained to my insecurities.
Until next time, friends.
-Renèe :)
In honor of my sisters who graduated from high school this week! :)
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