Why Must I Wear Pants?

Seriously, friends.  Pants are the worst.  Okay - maybe not the worst, but they are certainly up there on the list of pointless and irritating things that I have to comply with because of societal structures.  I'll admit that this post is more lighthearted than my typical post; I don't have an earth-shattering epiphany to tell you about or a deeply touching story.  Mainly, I just want to rant 'bout da pant. Enjoy!

Pants are the equivalent to saran wrap for your legs.

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Pants are like keeping your dog on a leash in a big field.

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Pants are interchangeable with the terms: cruel & unusual punishment.

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Pants are synonymous with nails on a chalkboard.

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Pants are homologous with a whole month of cloudy, cold days.

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Pants are comparable to Scar from Disney's The Lion King.  

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The accepted (non-medical) term for a fear of pants is Pantaloonyphobia.

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Needless to say, the first thing to go when I get home are my pants. :)

Until next time, friends.
-Renèe

Why I'm DONE...

It's about that time of year when everyone decides it's necessary to reassess their life and start over.  New year, new beginnings, new adventures.  People want to change certain aspects of their life to make them a better person. Usually, these resolutions fade by the end of January and people start right back into their old habits.  I didn't start my process of change on January 1; in fact, my process started back in early March 2014 when I ended a flirtationship (yep, I basically coined that term) with a man who made me very happy.  Below I'll describe why I ended that flirtationship as well as a genuine relationship that I entered into giddily in August and ended in November.  It's been quite a long lesson that I've been learning, and God is still teaching me more and more each day.

To begin, I've lived quite a large portion of my life pleasing other people and making decisions about my life based upon the opinions of others.  It's a mix between being a people pleaser and a person with an aversion to making decisions.  People who know me might find this hard to believe; to most I tend to be the queen of decision making.  Yet, the truth is that far too often I find myself choosing one thing or another as long as it keeps most "important" people in my life at bay.  I never really wanted to rock the boat.  Until this past fall I felt such a pressure to live up to these expectations.  I was striving to be the person I thought everyone else expected me to be.  When I thought about this topic, I wasn't sure it fit in with the theme I wanted to express on my blog, but then I realized coming into my own and being able to choose is entirely related to identity.  We have the right to choose; we are the ones who must make decisions - and that is not always easy.

The two relationships I mentioned above have been two major vessels I feel that God has used in this past year to teach me a vital and (oh so) difficult lesson.  To be frank, I don't suggest what I did for everyone.  If you are believing woman of God, dating a man who is not a Christian is always a sticky situation.  But (in my opinion) it's not inherently wrong, either.  Yet, during each of these relationships I felt such push and pull emotions.  With Mr. Valentine (my flirtationship) it was so easy to like him and be with him.  It was so easy to laugh and enjoy his company, but there were so many factors at play that I knew from the get go, it was not fair to be dating him.  I asked others in my most trusted circles their opinions and the consensus mirrored my own thoughts, but I wanted just a little bit more time with him before I ended our short fling.  I revealed these feelings to him and expressed that I didn't think we could continue seeing each other outside of school (Pro-tip: wait to date a person from class until the END of a semester).  It was hard.  My friends were concerned because I was crying.  Crying to lose him, crying because I was sad, and crying because this was the first time a serious chasm between my happiness and my joy existed.  

If you take anything from this post - Ask God to reveal to your heart how fleeting happiness can be and how eternal His joy truly is.  Warning: It's not always a fun process, but worth it.   

The pain faded and time went on.  The next several months I lived in a bliss of God's joy.  A season of listening and feeling charmed in His warmth and grace.  How incredible to learn that my happiness is my choice and my joy is forever, but they may not always coincide.  In the summertime I met Blues (my Fall boyfriend).  On a very intimate note, I consider Blues to be my first actual boyfriend.  He was the first man I introduced to others as my boyfriend.  When we went on our first date, I learned that Blues was Jewish  and rather than deterring me, that fact intrigued me.  I was desperate to learn about his culture and how he lived his life.  I was bombarded by questions from close ones: "Are you going to see him again?" "Do you think this is a good idea?"  "What is the purpose of seeing him?" All valid questions.  All questions I would ask any other friend in a similar situation.  I remember specifically even saying that before I considered allowing Blues to become my boyfriend, I would really pray and think about it...which I did.  I heard opinions and concerns of all sorts, but the one thing I wasn't hearing was God saying no.  I wanted to hear it; I still hold that I was open to hearing it.  Yet, I was plagued with worry only because I wasn't heeding the advice of those who I normally would follow blindly, trusting their opinion whole-heartedly.  When Blues asked me to be his girlfriend, I excitedly said yes.

Throughout our relationship, we grew to learn about each other's cultures and were open to hearing about each other's religions.  It wasn't always easy, but we enjoyed each other's company.  The man was wonderful.  He never pushed me into anything and held very similar moral beliefs as myself, for which I was incredibly thankful.  I prayed for him and about him constantly, but I could feel myself entering a different season with God than the one I experienced in the early summer.  I know that during the time we spent getting to know each other up until early November, the only reason I would have ended my relationship with Blues was because someone else told me to.  For the first time, I didn't think that reason was good enough.  For the first time, I chose against the grain.  It was uncomfortable, but I'm happy I did.

It was so apparent and loud when God pulled at my heart.  It was so clear that it was time.  When I ended the relationship, I was sad, but I had felt it coming.  Many may wonder why I entered a relationship when I understood it would likely end or with so many barriers.  It ultimately did cause heartache, but I do not regret a second of the time I spent with Blues.  I can't speak for him; I do know that he doesn't hate me so that's certainly a start.  God can use many tools and avenues to teach and shape our hearts to draw us closer to Him.  Blues may have not been God's first choice to teach me, but He worked with my choice.  In fact, He already knew I would make this choice and He still loves me.  I learned about myself and what I'm like in a relationship.  I learned about traits and characteristics in a partner that I desire and those that I don't.  But most importantly, I continued to learn to trust God and place my joy in Him. 

I can't say that I'm happy every day, nor can I say that I don't ever miss Blues or a companion in general.  My heart desires that relationship.  What I can say is that prior to last year I lived my life in a constant state of trying to make sure I was fitting into the mold that was expected of me, listening diligently to those who I truly do trust and continue to confide in, but now I have changed.  I am DONE living my life according to others. I am DONE feeling like I can't screw up and still be loved.  I am DONE always trying to fit into a mold that I won't EVER fit into.

That said, I am not done seeking counsel.  I trust and respect several men and women in my life with information concerning decisions and situations I am unsure about.  Knowledge is power.  I would rather avoid many mistakes and heartbreak and messes if I can learn from someone else, but sometimes there truly ARE lessons we have to personally experience.  We may not really get it if we don't experience it; the same is true in the classroom.  What is so comforting is that God is the best of teachers and He's got one hell of a sense of humor.

If you made it to the end, kudos!

Until next time, friends.

-Renèe :)