Let me transcribe a recent phone call I had with my mother:
"How are things going?" - Mom
"Good, I'm busy. Early morning and long days, but I am loving most of the minutes during them. Church has been really great, and somehow I've managed to keep up with my friends." - Me
"That's great, hun! I'm happy it's going well." -Mom
"Me, too. It just feels like... I don't know. I'm failing." -Me
"Oh, is the work too hard?" -Mom
"No. No, it's not that. It just feels like I should have more to report. I mean, I can't even remember the last time I told you about a boy in my life." -Me
"And why would that mean you're failing?" -Mom
Good damn question, Mom.
I am not one to often feel the need of a significant other. In fact, I have to be cautious of my identity being placed too much in my own independence. Yet, lately I've been struggling with feeling as though I'm not meeting the criteria of a twenty-something about to graduate college. Why not? I've done the course work. I've earned top honors! More importantly, I love what I do day in and day out. I've recently become more and more attracted and encouraged to read my bible and delve into prayer, which has subsequently drawn me closer and closer to the Father. And here I am feeling like a failure because there's no prospects in sight, much less a ring on my finger!
It's not the most ideal timing for me to be considering dating; if all goes as planned, I'll be leaving the country for two years. So logically, that's a no go. I'm also trying this new thing where I let God take the lead. As simple as it sounds, it is surprisingly difficult for a controlling person to trust in the plans of someone else. Even when that someone else is God. So why is it that I'm feeling like a failure because I don't have a boo thing for the upcoming cuffin' season?
Expectations.
We all make plans. We all imagine things will go one way. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. I'm 22. I am no where near ready for kids, and although I look forward to marriage, I truly can wait. All of that is true of 22 year-old Renèe. Three years ago, I know for a fact that the goal was to have met someone by now. I wanted my professional life to be aligning with my personal life so I could "start" life at the same time. I wanted to set an example for my younger sisters. I wanted it to finally happen. It didn't. And after another year, when it still hadn't, I decided I needed to change my expectations. I needed to be comfortable in my own skin and be myself by myself. So, I did. I stopped saying I had to do things, and started understanding some things will just happen when they happen. God is about bringing things into our lives when they are meant to come and out when they need to leave. Life isn't this big waiting game. Stop waiting to do what you want or feel you need to do. Especially you ladies. It's okay to want that significant other to be a part of your life, but don't you dare wait to start your own life until you've joined his. You can (and should be able to) do you with or without a Mrs. attached to your name.
Until next time, friends.
-R :)
